1. Complain about how far a walk everything is.
2. Confuse waiters by speaking slowly.
3. Misunderstand the rules of sidewalks.
3a. Walk unacceptably slowly.
4. Ogle.
4a. Point.
5. Ignore cultural pretensions.
6. Ask me why hipsters dress "that way."
7. Point.
8. Take camera-phone pictures of "cool bikes."
9. Quiz me about Philadelphia's byzantine street parking rules.
9a. Eventually just make me park the car.
9b. Register surprise when it turns out that, after driving in the city for three years, I am an adept parallel-parker.
10. Quiz me about Philadelphia history like I am a tour guide.
H.M. Make me feel like I am sixteen all over again.
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